‘Cause I Want To Be Like You

This is probably going to make me cry…again.

As I was typing up tomorrow’s post for The Deadly Nightshade my home phone rang. Phoenix area code, and the only person I know in Phoenix is my daughter’s best friend, Casey.

I’ll be seeing her walk down the aisle in just a few short weeks. I consider myself lucky – even though there is three day drive with a 4 year old involved…and that’s just one way.

Casey is like a daughter to me. I’ve known her for over fourteen years now, and she is a good kid with a big heart. But even still, I wasn’t prepared for what she said next.

She said, “I’ve always known that I wanted to grow up and be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted kids, and I would love to homeschool, and have a garden and make a home of my own.” She paused then, “Mom had a different way, but I knew I didn’t want to be like her, I wouldn’t be happy in offices or working for someone else. I wanted to be an entrepreneur and to be home with my kids.” She went on to describe her first garden, that she grew in back of a little rental house on 3rd Street here in town. The tomatoes never did much (too much shade) and most of the harvest never made it inside (she ate it fresh from the vine). She told me of trying to sell little braided bracelets door to door when she was seven.

“I woke up early this morning, Christine, like I normally do. And I was reading your blogs and thought, ‘I want to be like Christine’. And I tried to write it down, but I thought I’d call you instead.”

So, yeah, that made me cry. Big time. It was sweet, and kind, and it is still a bit of a jolt for me to think that I might actually be inspiring others.

It makes me think that, we make choices every day. To help a neighbor with their lawn, to offer a stranger some comfort, or to write words that go out into the blogosphere and that somehow and in some way resonate.

You don’t have to be like me.

But you do have to be a person that you like and that you want to be. I wonder if Casey has any idea how lucky she is to have found that…now…at this young age.

No matter when you find it. Hold onto it. Believe in yourself, in the boundless potential that lies within you. And then access it, wield it to make your world, and the world around you, a better place.

 

Little Dreams, Big Dreams

House work is good thinking time. Especially in the morning before the kiddo is awake and asking me a million questions.

Today I was thinking about little dreams and big dreams and I’d like to give you a few examples…

Belton Brewing Company

At a recent, city-wide garage sale we ran into a couple who were brewing beer in a small turkey fryer in the front yard while running their garage sale. They started talking about the “new brewery that was coming to town.”

We both winced, Dave and I did, because that brewery was supposed to be us. In point of fact, they had seen our website and were expecting us to open this year or next.

That dream was a big one. It started in the weeks following my husband’s sudden unemployment – after over four years with a local industrial computer company. We sat down, we mapped it out, we cashed in the 401k to buy a experimentation size brewing setup. We drew up estimates, made materials lists, scoped out properties, and tried to figure out funding sources. And then the housing crisis hit, the economy hit a monster truck sized pothole, I lost 1/3 of my cleaning biz income, and our dream dissipated into smoke.

Not able to visualize anything past all of the worksheets and plans we had made, we walked away from that dream. It was a painful day.

Dreams of Self-Sufficiency

Recently my husband has been cultivating a friendship with a guy in a local beer store. The guy owns five acres of land and dreams of being self-sufficient – “I want to buy 500-1,000 acres of land and be 100% self-sufficient.” We’ve been ‘collecting’ like minds these days, and he fits into a lot of what we are looking for – DIY, Libertarian, self-sufficiency, the works.

His dream – of owning 500-1,000 acres is a big dream. When I heard he had five acres I was consumed with envy – what I would DO with five acres of land!

I think that, in order to accomplish our dreams, we must do three things:

1. Dream small but open-ended
2. Adjust the lens
3. Act

Dream Small But Open-Ended

If we dream too big, we are automatically limiting ourselves. Unless you are Warren Buffett and have all the money in the world, a big dream is damned near impossible. My husband Dave often says, tongue in cheek, “We had a great idea for a brewery, but for some reason no one wanted to hand us a million dollars to get it started!”

As I stood there today at the sink, thinking about my husband going back into the computer field that had been so emotionally draining and unfulfilling for him just a few years ago, the epiphany struck…he needs to be brewing. We have this amazing brew system sitting in the garage and has not been using it. Now mainly this is a money issue, which should be solved within about two months. After that, I see no reason that he shouldn’t be brewing every month or two, trying new recipes, honing his skills. He may not get to open a brewery today, tomorrow, or even next year – but if he uses what he has, perhaps teaches classes and broadens his involvement in community-based activities, what is a dream and a hobby right now could morph into an actionable business over time and eventually become a full-fledged brewery.

Adjust the Lens

This goes hand in hand with the idea above. Basically, if all you can see is one way to do things, then you are lost. For any dream, there are at least a dozen ways to get there.

Take my husband’s new buddy at the liquor store. He’s sitting on FIVE ACRES of land and dreaming of self-sufficiency. I have to laugh, just a little, because I know of at least one family who live on 1/5 of an acre (1/10 of which is cultivated) and earn their entire income off of that land and the items they sell on their website. Their house runs mainly on solar and hand-cranked appliances, they use solar to heat their water for showers, and manage to produce 4-6,000 pounds of produce every year.

Off of 1/10 acre of cultivated land.

Imagine what this guy could do with his five acres. He could be self-sufficient, or damned close, right now. As it is, we probably grow more produce on our little 1/3 acre of land (800 sq feet currently farmed) than he does. Why? Because we have what we have, and I’ll be darned if it’s gonna sit unused.

Act

Dreams are great. They really are. Someday I’ll tell you about our latest “if we won the lottery” dream – it’s a great one. But dreams will never be reality without action. If you want it, if you really, really want it – if you are sitting in your little gray cubicle wishing for a different life – then ACT on it. Don’t play games with yourself and say, “If only,” or “as soon as” or “when my ship comes in”.

No one is going to walk up and hand you this life. No one is going to make it all better and give you the money and time and resources you need for your dreams.

If you really want it…ACT on it. Today. Now.

 

Assessing Your Worth

In 2005, when I first became self-employed, I was nervous and uncertain. Nearly two decades of work in an office environment had left me unsure of who I was and what I was worth. Outside of an office environment, I wondered, did I even have any marketable skills? Who would be willing to take a chance on me? And what would I do for income?

Sure, self-employment sounded like a great deal – work my own hours, set my own prices, call my days my own – but could I actually hack it? Could I be successful? The answers to my questions and fears didn’t come right away, but eventually they showed up and gave a simple “Yes” before moving on to other issues and concerns.

Starting out in your own business can be rather intimidating. As I was thinking about all of the lessons I have learned in the past six years, one in particular came to mind – assessing your worth.

How do you put a price on your experience? How do you assess a value to your work?

I run service-based companies. I’m either arranging for staff (or me) to clean a client’s house, meet for a one-on-one organizing session, or I’m scheduling with a host site to teach a class. Over the years, I’ve sometimes been asked to reduce my prices, to either meet a client’s budget or their opinion of what my work is worth. Budgets are one thing where there are often times when a client genuinely needs help (usually organizing) and doesn’t have a lot of money. In a case like that, I often reduce my rates in a limited fashion, enough to get them going in the right direction, and then bow out, knowing I’ve helped them get on their way.

For the others, those who are seeking the lowest price without a care to other aspects (namely, you get what you pay for), well, I refer to them as having a garage sale mentality. They love to ‘get a great deal’ and want to tell you that you are worth X amount and nothing more.

Each time I run into ‘garage salers’ I learn an important lesson. Yesterday was one of those lessons. It put the kibosh on that persistent adage that ‘some business is better than no business’. I had met with a potential client a few weeks ago and bid on a job. They certainly had their ‘perfect number’ in mind and let me know what it was when we met. Considering the size of the project, their number was ridiculously low, and had I not been experiencing a lull in business recently I would have given them a far more realistic quote. Instead, they received about $150 worth of services for $90 and I walked away pretty frustrated in myself.

However, it is a learning lesson. I am worth more than that and I recognized it immediately, before the job was done. In fact, the rest of the time I was there, working on the details and giving them the better service than anyone could expect for the money, I mentally wrote out the email I would send to them explaining why I would not be returning to provide them with any additional services for the price we had initially agreed upon. After I returned home I sat down and wrote the email and sent it off.

Part of me wonders if they would think it was a ploy to simply get more money. Once I’m inside, dazzle ‘em, then charge more. But that isn’t it at all. My goals yesterday were simple:

• Provide the service I had been retained to do – give them quality work no matter what price I had been paid
• Protect myself in the future from being taken advantage of

I may never hear from them again. And if I don’t, well, [shrug] I know I did my best and that it was better than anything they had paid for. I did the right thing, I gave them value and hard work and I can walk away with my head held high and my conscience clean.

So what is my point in all this?

Simply that you are worth more than you might think. We often allow others to tell us who we are and what we are worth. When we undervalue ourselves, or let others undervalue us, it can be demoralizing and disheartening. And those feelings feed into a less than perfect job or feelings of resentment (even if you resent yourself!). You are WORTH your experience, your commitment and willingness to do the right thing. Don’t let desperation or fear rule your decisions – and when you do, act immediately to correct the mistakes and learn the lesson it has to offer.

It is then, and only then, that you will find the business comes to you.

 

Turning “I Wish” Into “I Am/Have/Done”

A couple of years ago I decided to paint my toddler’s room in a garden theme, complete with a little picket fence around the perimeter, and a counting adventure of creatures on the walls – four birds, ten bees, two beehives, et cetera.

I started early, first laying down the base coat and then meticulously adding the picket fence border. As I painted I described what would come next to my mother…”I guess I’ll try my hand at painting the creatures,” I said to her.

“Honey, you would be better off finding stencils or adhesives.” My mother advised, “After all, you can’t draw like Dee (my grown daughter) can.”

I agreed with her. After all, stick figures were rather challenging. What was I thinking even considering drawing and painting dragonflies and birdhouses and more on the walls? It would turn into a disaster. But somehow, the discouraging tone of her voice made my mind up for me. Out of nowhere my backbone straightened and I thought quietly, “Oh yeah? Sez who?” Suddenly I was determined to paint them all myself.

And so I did. They turned out pretty well. Especially these two strings of butterflies and bees…

When I looked at the finished project the feeling was indescribable. I had spent most of my life, nearly forty years, believing I couldn’t draw. And while I’m no Picasso, nor do I aspire to be, I was immensely pleased with my work.

Today I looked at a little rocking chair in Emily’s room and decided it needed a serious facelift. The bright red paint was peeling and it was no longer looking as pretty as it had been when it first made its way to our home. Here are the before and afters:

Bright and shiny in 2007

Tomorrow the chair will be dry enough for me to take down and put back in Emily’s room. It matches well with the garden theme and she has already grinned with delight over the flowers.

All it took for me to do this was a change in perspective. Instead of saying, “I can’t draw” I said, “I’ll go for it, the worst that can happen is that I end up painting over it.”

Life change isn’t really that much different. It is the changing of “I Wish” into “I am” or “I have” or “I’ve done”. And when you do it, when you give yourself the chance to just do it, your future opens up and all is possible.

 

A Letter to Your Future Self

I woke up at 6:00 and was hard at work by 7 this morning. Except for a couple of breaks…and a small little nap [ahem] I’ve been going strong all day. It’s been fantastic. How often do I get a full day, a FULL day with no one and nothing to distract me or need me for anything? The husband is off on a short trip to California, the little princess is spending a couple of days with her Grandori, and I have the house to myself.

WRITING TIME!

Since my last post on 7/10, I have felt the floodgates open and the creativity spark. I keep finding my feet guiding me back to the computer, despite the mounting pile of dishes or the quickly multiplying weeds in my raised beds. I am well and thoroughly hooked, and the progress I’ve made has been quite rewarding. I am now at seven books, all significantly outlined and I am nearly ready to begin writing. Just a few more details and I will be there, ready to roll.

Before I started to work this morning I thought about a book I read recently, “What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self” by Ellyn Spragins. The thought occurred then, and again today, that I would much prefer to write a letter to my future self. Somehow, it seems more…useful.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved reading Ellyn’s book. It made me cry and smile and think of all that has happened in my life, especially the last five years. But it also got me to thinking about what motivates us. What keeps you going? What makes the difference between today and what happens tomorrow? How do we stop from giving up, five minutes before the miracle? How can we accomplish our dreams on our terms, in our own unique way, and within some reasonable time frame?

Does it have to take five, ten or twenty year to make that leap? To jump off the cliff and turn your world on its ear?

It can be so hard, stuck in the present, dreaming of an unknown future, and hoping, praying for a change to happen. I know I’m not the only one who has felt that way. So, before I sat down and began to work on the details of my new book series I wrote a letter to my future self. I wrote it, then I printed it out, and I stuck it on the wall right in front of my face. It is there, along with the quote from Thoreau, an email from my firstborn, and an email from my dad commenting on “War’s End”. I would like to think that when I hit a brick wall (most likely of my own making), that my eyes will stray to that letter and that I will renew my belief in myself again, long enough for it to take hold and make a difference and keep me on the path.

A letter to your younger self is wonderful, but I think that who we want to be tomorrow needs to be believed in and visualized today. And perhaps that is realized in a letter to the person you will be tomorrow or the next day or next year. Think about it, write your own letter to your future self and keep the faith. We are all on such a marvelous adventure!

Here is my letter to my future self…

Christine -

On this day, July 13th, 2010 you are 40 years old. You may look at this in just a few hours or a few days or even months and be filled with fear, stress, or worry. You may tell yourself “it’s shit” or that nothing good can come of it. You may castigate yourself for wasting time that you could have been working and making money. You may tell yourself that you aren’t a good writer or that you will never, ever be published.

But Christine, it isn’t true. None of it. Of all the things I know, in this moment, in this place, on this beautiful sunny summer morning – I know you are capable and that you have this within you. You WILL be published. You ARE a writer. And this project, whichever you are working on at the moment, is WORTH IT. Why? Because you have something to say and it is worthy of being heard.

So Christine, keep writing. Do it for me/you. Do it for your children and husband and friends and family and for the untold thousands who will someday read what you have read and tell you it moved them or amused them or maybe even made them cry. Do it, because this is what you were meant to do.

Oh, and Christine? Stop crying and get back to work. It’s high time the world saw what you are capable of.

 

“All the Same Dear, I Think You Do Know.”

I had a good laugh at my own expense this morning and I’m going to share it with you.

I recently finished writing “War’s End” a fictional book I had been working on for way too long. It’s been submitted and now it is a matter of waiting to hear back. Meanwhile, I began to sort through my different book starts, looking for the next project to begin working on. Mercedes Lackey said it best, “I often have a project in the planning stages, one currently being written, and another in the editing stage at any one time.” In other words, if you are a writer, you keep going and don’t get to sit on your laurels for too long.

I had settled on choosing between two possible projects, and as I made notes, created time-lines and character descriptions in each of them, much to my dismay, I found myself gravitating towards the bigger of the projects. How big, you ask? Try FOUR books big. A bigger project than I could have even imagined a few years ago when I was just trying to get one written.

The funny part of this is, the sheer number of books (four, plus several – even possibly many, spin-offs) doesn’t faze me as much as one little, tiny, small little problem…I don’t have the details down of who Liv Rowan encounters, how it might be a problem, or what she might do to fix it. I’ve got four working titles and a solid idea of what happens at the end of book 4. And…that’s it.

I would be writing about this on one my private blogs, I actually started to do so this morning, until I was reminded of the quote from “The Stand.” The big bad guy is interrogating one of the people from Boulder and she claims she has no idea who the guy he is looking for is. He responds, “All the same dear, I think you do know.” For those of you who have seen the movie, you know it doesn’t end well for her, but it got me to thinking.

When I am working with a coaching client and they hit a wall, usually the reason they have a coach in the first place, they will say to me, “I just don’t know what to do.” In that moment, no choice seems right, and the way in front of them is blocked. What might seem incredibly easy and clear to me, is clouded and dark for them. We work on it, nibbling away at the edges, pushing gently against the metaphorical wall, until there is that moment when things suddenly resolve into clarity and conviction. The client is excited, I’m happy for them, and there is progress past this stumbling block.

My job as a coach is to be the catalyst for change. I don’t provide the answers, or try and tell a client what they need to do. I believe the answers are within them and that they know, deep inside, what will work best for them. My job is to get them to the point where they are listening to that quiet voice inside. Once they can access the answers from within, they can make changes in their lives that will serve them well in the weeks, months and years to come.

• What do I want to do for a living?
• Is this relationship good for me?
• Where do I want to live?
• How do I want to proceed?
• What should I do about this particular situation?

I believe we each have the answers to all of those questions and more, waiting inside us. I believe that we intuitively know, without a shadow of a doubt, the course that would be best for each of us to take. Life, culture, expectations, upbringing – all of these things pull us away from the truth and distract us from listening to the one person who knows you better than anyone else in the entire world…you.

So how do these two topics – writing and coaching – fit together?

This morning I got up, as I have several morning over the past week, asking myself, “What happens to Liv Rowan in Byd Arall?” It’s been driving me crazy. How can I be so audacious as to suggest I have four books to write and not have story plots worked out for them yet? Who am I kidding?

It was the certainty I have felt over this series that has allowed me to suspend my disbelief at my current writing situation this far. I cannot tell you how I know, but I know for sure that what I have here (as scant as it is at the moment) is worthy of my attention. Something deep inside is pushing me towards this, pointing insistently, determined that I continue.

“I don’t know what happens to Liv in Byd Arall!” I told myself for the 20th time this week.

And then Randall Flagg from “The Stand”…

“All the same dear, I think you do know.”

And with that, the path before me is clear. No, I don’t have all the answers, not yet. But I know it’s in there somewhere. I just need to be patient, eventually I will find it. Most likely it will find me. Somewhere in there, is a complete story. If I keep nibbling at the edges, the details will come.

The answer is within.

 

Drop A Note – Change A Life

Last week I received the following email:

Hi Christine!

My name is Ann and we were on the Self-Directed Learning call this morning.  I hope you don’t mind me writing.  I looked you up on the discussion board and really wanted to reach out and let you know that hearing your story in class today was very inspiring to me.  You seem like a very courageous person who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to shake things up and make your dreams a reality.  I admire you!

–”Ann (from Pennsylvania)”

Thank you, Ann, you made my day. I wasn’t having a bad day, but this little note sure kicked my day up a notch. It was a nice reminder to me that (forgive me for using an rather over-used phrase these days) being authentic is often appreciated by others.

I couldn’t help but love being referred to as courageous. Moi?! Weird, independent, heck, even crazy often fits. But courageous? Is it silly to say I don’t often think of myself that way?

But this email got me to thinking that we often fall into patterns. Patterns of how we view the world, ourselves, and maybe even life in general. Without input from others, our interpretations of who we are often remain static. It takes someone else’s input to shake things up. Hopefully for the good. I find it is the little things, like what my mother once said:

Well, someone once put that couch together, you can figure out how to take it apart. (This said to me when I was fretting over HOW could I reupholster the thing)

Or the bigger stuff, like my Dad saying:

I am really enjoying your book. You are such a good writer, the book just pulls me in. It has generated a lot of reactions in me, but as of right now, the overriding feeling I have is that this book is so real. You have formed your characters as very believable, three dimensional people. And the world in which you have placed them in is totally natural and familiar. Though you have created a rich tapestry of details, it is not the details so much as the way you have seamlessly and, apparently, effortlessly integrated into the story without having them call attention to themselves. You have really hit your stride.

Or simply the words of Mom again, years ago when she said:

Christine, you inspire me.

These are the words that echo in my mind when I am faced with trying times, moments of self-doubt and fear over what tomorrow will bring. Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment” and he was right on.

It is often those thoughtful words said to others that change lives and open up new worlds of possibilities. All that we are, the endless possibility and potential that lie within, are awakened and pushed to exist with just a few simple words of encouragement. Whose life can you change just by a simple note that reminds them they are unique, worthy of love or respect, and are cared for?

Something to think about…

 

Who Is In the Details?

Recently my husband and I have been discussing starting an alternative energy company with two other couples. We’ve had a few meetings, and quite a few starry-eyed dreamy diversions into “what if’s” and “if only’s.”

For anyone who owns a business or who is in the process of starting one, you know what I mean. And while it is great to dream about being fully funded and having enough in the bank to fund everyone comfortably for a year so we have time to roll out a business successfully, it’s a bit like waiting for that winning lottery ticket. It sure would be nice, but let’s face it, the odds are stacked against that happening anytime soon.

While in most cases I am an optimist, when it comes to business I have a strong realistic streak mixed with a small helping of pessimism. I believe in writing the business plan and in it, detailing to the nth degree where you are going, what you will be offering, and how you are going to accomplish it. You can have a bold and beautiful vision of what the perfect company, the perfect business offering would be, but if you aren’t able to focus on each component and polish it to perfection before expanding into different realms…you will fail.

Resent my words all you like, but that is the truth of it.

On our third meeting with these two other couples, I went around the room. “Who can commit to spending time on xyz?” I asked. One by one, people were too busy, they had full-time jobs, were busy running down the money or simply didn’t know where to begin. The idea of what we wanted to start was overwhelming and complicated to them.

I get that. I truly do. But someone has to do something or nothing will ever get off the ground. And if you are talking partnership, then it better be more than one someone doing something, if you get my drift. And it was at that moment that I realized they were all looking at me.

Hmmm…

I realized that my anxiety and frustration level had risen exponentially and we dismissed for the day. I needed time. Time for them to think about just what they would be contributing and time for me to decide whether this adventure was worth continuing. More than a week went by before I got an email and later a phone call from one of the couples. “We could tell you were frustrated, Christine, by the end of the last meeting,” she said, “And I feel bad, because it’s like we need A, B, C and D and the only thing I know anything about is D!”

We talked for a long time, over an hour. And I gave her an assignment. Mainly because she had spent a good part of an hour begging me for some kind of direction but also because I know when she does the research and learns what I already suspect to be true, she will stop suggesting we “get a grant for $150,000″ and return to earth for what could be a half-decent reality-based planning session.

I say that, and I know it sounds snarky, and for that I am sorry. She’s a great lady and has lots of heart, she’s just hung up on the idea that ‘we have to have this, this and that’ and can’t think past it. The reality of the matter is, with little or no funding and a decent of education we need to accomplish before being able to do this, we aren’t ready to open for business. Dreams of showrooms with glassed-in views near the highway for little or no rent are simply not realistic. Neither is buying equipment that can cost up to $250,000.

But as I said, I gave her a bit of ‘homework’ and said, “You believe there are grants out there for small businesses. I don’t, but I am more than happy to be proven wrong. Go find one. But don’t just come back with a name of a place. I want details…how much would the grant be for? What restrictions or requirements? Find that grant…and I will write the most drop-dead slam it home business plan you have ever seen.”

I’ve heard it said that the devil is in the details. I’ve also heard that God is in the details. I’ll settle for simply saying, with no parallels implied, that I am in(to) the details. Bring me details and you will get results.

In business or in life, things often hang in the balance on details. My husband once said to me, “That first week I stayed at your place, I knew we would be compatible. Not only were you my intellectual equal, but more importantly, you hung the toilet paper the right way and squeezed the toothpaste from the bottom.”

It’s all about the details. Don’t get lost in them. Identify them, recognize them, and use them to move forward in whatever you seek to do.

 

What Drives You?

“Know it all”

“Miss Smarty-Pants”

“Bookworm”

“Miss Million Dollar Words”

“Show off”

I’ve heard it all. Most of the time it just confused me. Why is answering someone’s question wrong? Why is knowledge shared – when it isn’t bragging, but simply the wish to help others, to inform, to educate yourself or others – a bad thing?

Recently I taught a “Change Your Life” class and in it offered a single free coaching session to each attendee. My instructions are always the same, “Call me at the phone number on the card and we will set up a time that is convenient for us to talk. There’s no sales pitch and if you are interested in continuing coaching, here is my price.”

Rarely does anyone make that call.

One woman did. She had sat quietly in class, said little, and merely shared her goal of returning to school and obtaining her Master’s degree. She did not say why but it was obvious that she was struggling with the decision. When she called at the pre-arranged for her coaching session I asked her what it was that was bothering her most about returning to college. She listed several reasons, concern about her grades from ten years ago not being good enough, worrying that they would reject her application. She shared with me that her husband and her daughter were both very supportive of her and wanted her to do this.

Classes can be re-taken. Colleges are desperate for students. These weren’t very realistic fears, but she focused doggedly on them. I could sense there was something more.

“So what is it really that is holding you back? You said you were a good student, why are you so worried about returning to school?” I asked. There was a long pause.

“I’m the first one in my family to go to college. They gave me a hard time before, and then I got pregnant with my daughter and had to drop out. Lately they’ve been really razzing on me, telling me, ‘You think you’re all that’. That I think I’m someone special, too good for them.” She admitted miserably.

“They think you are reaching above yourself, or selling out, don’t they?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Are you?”

“No! I mean I’ve almost got my Master’s, and I want to go into a line of work that will help kids and families, and…” She spoke for several minutes about the dreams and goals she had once she obtained the training. The joy in her voice was obvious, the excitement at the thought of finally achieving her dream was loud and clear.

“So I guess what you need to ask yourself is: ‘What is more important? My dreams and goals or the opinions of others?’”

She paused for a moment and said, “Thank you.”

A few days after the phone call I received a lengthy email from her thanking me for my time. It was worth more than any money she could have paid me. And it got me to thinking about my own experiences in school and work.

“Teacher’s pet.”

“Show off.”

[sigh]

Today I drove to the local recycling center to attend a free rain garden class. The speaker never showed up, but I passed my card out to five people who were all very interested in the classes I teach and my gardening knowledge. We visited for 1/2 hour as we waited for the speaker to arrive, and talked about organic gardening, rain barrels, companion planting, and wild edibles.

As I said goodbye, each and every person stopped and thanked me for coming and sharing my knowledge. Considering I was just there as another student, I thought that was pretty cool.

How ironic is it that I know more now, at 40, then I even could have dreamed of knowing at 15 or 20 or even 30. Back then I was the “know it all” and now what am I? The expert? How did that happen?!

What drives you? What peaks your interest and pulls you in? What makes you stay up late or get up early just so you can learn more or improve?

Whatever it is – be it fly fishing or psychology – be it art or alternative energy – even if it seems silly to others – take hold of it tightly. Immerse yourself within it, breathe it, live it. Become the expert. Become the smarty pants and the know-it-all.

‘Cause you know what?

I might be the know-it-all. I might be Miss Smarty Pants. I might be that bookworm, encyclopedia, who thinks she’s ‘all that’ – but I’m me. And I’m doing what makes me happy, teaching and informing others. And in that, I am of benefit to the world and my heart is happy.

Go do what makes you happy and let the others stand still while you fly.

Go on.

Do it.

p.s. And if you have read this far, would you give me a shout out? Who’s listening/reading out there?

 

It Isn’t What You Think

Lately I’ve been musing on perceptions…how do others see me, how do I see others, first impressions, what kind of message perfect strangers might take a way from a first meeting…and more.

Perhaps it has to do with my current, hmmm, condition. This past Saturday I taught a class on cultivating and cooking with fresh herbs. Then I worked in my garden. That night I blearily woke to a persistent itch around my eye. [Scratch, scratch] A moment later it itched again and again I scratched for a second before coming to full consciousness and realizing…”Oh no!”

The morning dawn confirmed it, I had managed to get poison ivy, already, this early in the season! [mental wail] For those of you who have not had the bad luck of contracting poison ivy, I envy you. And for those of you wondering what poison ivy on the eye looks like, well, it looks pretty bad. Quite frankly, I look like the victim of domestic violence. Swollen and red, my right eye has been attracting a great deal of attention from strangers in the past three days. When in my company, my husband has received several glares, whispered invectives, and even some loathing glances as well.

Short of wearing a shirt that proclaims, “Seriously, it’s poison ivy!” I wish I could avoid going out in public. The stares bug me, and I’m getting tired of saying over and over, “I’ve got poison ivy on my eye, folks.”

Although I have to say it has earned me the best customer service I have ever seen out of clerks as they kindly point me in the direction of whatever item I am searching for. This is usually dished out in conjunction with a withering stare in my husband’s direction. “Sweetie,” said one clerk, “the socks are right over there.” She patted my arm, “And if you need anything else, anything,” a pause as she glared in my husband’s direction while he wrangled our manic three-year-old, “You just let me know.”

I just smiled brightly, too tired of explaining for the umpteenth time that it isn’t what she thinks and that my poison ivy is bothersome only in that it affects my vision and ability to operate a motor vehicle, not to mention that it itches like a mother.

But as I said before, this has made me think about perceptions, such as the guy who cuts in front of you in traffic, or the customer who snaps at the clerk for some seemingly minor thing, or the difficult co-worker. It has made me wonder if it isn’t quite what I think at the moment and if those labels we use, jerk driver, snooty old lady, or arch-nemesis cubicle dweller are short-sighted or just plain inaccurate.

For a moment, look at these individuals a little longer, and notice the details. Perhaps you will see that the “jerk driver” has a passenger in the front seat who is injured and you realize he is driving her as fast as he can to the local hospital. The “snooty old lady” is harder to read, until she slowly and painfully limps towards the exit and you realize that she has been standing in a long line without any chance to sit and rest despite enormous pain. You are sure that your difficult co-worker is who you think she is, your arch-nemesis, until you learn that her husband has left her and she is struggling to raise the children on her own with insufficient income and mounting bills. Her only chance right now is to hold on to her job, do the best she can, and perhaps, if she is lucky, rise to a better-paying position. No wonder she is hard to get along with, she’s completely stressed out!

These are actually rather simplistic examples. As a coachee of mine pointed out a couple of weeks ago, we all live complicated lives. They aren’t simple and they aren’t straightforward or without fuss. We attempt to put into a box and neatly label a person – smart, crazy, driven, foolish, jerk, difficult, happy, victim of domestic violence, and so many more.

It is in our nature to compartmentalize someone under a ‘heading’ but it is nearly always a mistake when we do. Each person is a complicated set of memories, a product of years of family and environment, and a living package full of contradictions. Keep that in mind as you go forth in the world and try to avoid assumptions and labels.

It is amazing what you will learn about a person when you smile, ask, and wait for an answer.

Yesterday I drove my husband to distraction in the shoe store. He needed comfortable dress shoes and a new pair of tennis shoes. The store was having a sale that would end in fifteen minutes and my internal clock was ticking down the time (less than five minutes to go)…”make up your mind!” was all that I could think of.

He finally had enough of my hovering and sent me away, “Go look at shoes or something and leave me alone, I’ll be fine.” The saleswoman who was helping him looked shocked and irritated (keep in mind my eye).

He smiled at her and said, “My wife’s poison ivy is driving her nuts. It’s all over, even on her eye and she’s rather grouchy. Could you tell the cashier that I plan on buying these shoes and that I’ll be up in just a few more minutes?” In my frustration over the dwindling time I had never thought to ask them if they would extend the sale by a few minutes.

A few minutes later he was at the register with the saleswoman and his purchases. The sale discount was applied to the total price. As we left the store David laughed, “Did you see the saleswoman looking at your eye and neck right when you came back? I told her you had poison ivy and she was checking it out more closely. She was a lot nicer to me after that!”

So that’s my story. Why not learn more about others? Go out into the world, keep your eyes open and remind yourself, “It’s not what you think…life is often far more complicated than it first appears.”